Daniel Day-Lewis

In this, the first truly comprehensive, extensive account of Daniel Day-Lewis’ extraordinary life and career author Spaghettihoo P. Sontoast strips away the many layers of rumour and hearsay to paint a luminously frank portrait of this remarkable male actor.

52 Potato Street, Dublin, 1872. An overworked Mrs. Sinèad Day-Lewis is busy chopping firewood, killing pigs and tending to her severely handicapped son Daniel while husband C.J. Day-Lewis, a struggling poet and advertising copywriter, paces the floor, his face a vision of despair.

Times are hard. C.J.’s job is on the line and there is fierce competition among aspiring writers to deliver that killer slogan. Barbara Cartland’s “My Goodness My Guinness” landed her an unprecedented nine shilling publishing deal with Puffin Books and Salman Rushdie rose to such dizzying heights of fame after his sensational “Ah! Bisto” that he now lives as a total recluse.

C.J. Looked down at his son, his heart heavy with sorrow. Just then Daniel picked up a small piece of chalk between the toes of his left foot and began to scrawl the word “MOTHER” on the stone floor. His parents rubbed their eyes in bewilderment and gazed open-mouthed upon the child. Finally his mother stepped forward and whispered, “You do that one more time, young man, and it’s straight to bed with no potatoes.”

Daniel, clearly distressed, could only moan and drool so C.J. removed his belt and gave the boy a sound thrashing. This marked the beginning of a slippery slope into antisocial behaviour.

In 1876 the family relocated to Belfast where Daniel was single-handedly responsible for a crime wave which swept the entire city.

He was forever scaling drainpipes to lift lead off church roofs with his left foot. The police were powerless to control the boy, but the IRA took a firmer approach.

“We gave him a simple choice,” explained Gerry Adams (who was not connected with this incident in any way) his words spoken by an actor. “Leave Belfast or die.”

Daniel wasted no time in collecting his toothbrush, a locket containing a photogram of his dear mother, his colouring book and felt tips, his Wellington boots, bucket and spade, swimming trunks and crowbar and stowed away onboard a ferry to Swinging London.

For the young Daniel Day-Lewis London proved to be a whirlwind of strange, colourful experiences. He found himself surrounded by new opportunities and firmly resolved to use his left foot for good and not evil.

On his first day in the city he enrolled at the Kensington Piano School where he met and befriended brat actress Anna Paquin, better known as the face of Wednesday Addams from the smash hit blockbuster movie Jane Eyre.

The young couple became inseparable and decided to “squat down” together. Anna introduced her beau to the “London Scene” where growing your hair and wearing fairly loose-fitting clothes were regarded as quite normal. For the first time in his life Daniel felt truly at peace. Never before had he known that such happiness could be possible.

One morning in 1879 there came a knock on the door. The visitor was none other than green tights-wearing bodyguard to the stars Kevin Costner. He’d just finished building a cricket pitch in his back garden and was working on a new cowboys and Indians movie called Dances with Wolves. Anna Paquin, he said, was the only girl he knew who could play the part of Pocahontas. He made her an offer she couldn’t refuse and promised that on the shoot she wouldn’t have to look at his big hairy bottom.

A moment later Anna and Kevin were gone. Daniel was devastated and enraged with bitter jealousy. What did Kevin Costner have that HE didn’t?

That day Daniel Day-Lewis decided to make his own cowboys and Indians film; an epic adventure full of poetic romance for the girls and fights and car chases for the boys. He would call it The Last of the Mohicans.

With no contacts in the film industry, no money or talent and with only rugged looks and long hair on his side he set about working on a script. Drawing inspiration from his difficult childhood and broken heart, a single piece of chalk gripped between his toes, he toiled for many months. It was a long, slow process and eventually close to starvation he was forced to seek paid employment.

Cruising the Soho back streets he was approached by a director from Channel 4 who offered Daniel a part in a low budget gay porn flick with rising Bollywood star Art Malik. He was understandably dubious.

“I had strong reservations,” he admitted in a rare interview. “The part demanded that I cut and bleach my hair.”

After several moments wrestling with his conscience he agreed to the conditions and filming commenced.

The result, My Beautiful Launderette, was an instant hit and is now considered by filmgoers and critics alike to be among the greatest Anglo-Asian laundry-based shirt-lifting films of all time.

My Beautiful Launderette provided Daniel Day-Lewis with much-needed notoriety, film-making know-how and a chance to get his underpants washed. Offers of work flooded in from Hollywood and in 1893 his own scintillating screenplay was snapped up by Universal Studios.

Tragically, Universal boss Goldie Weisburger decided the story needed drastic alterations to make it palatable to the US market and commissioned a team of asexual librarians to remove all traces of tension and realism from the script.

The film was a disastrous flop. Daniel Day-Lewis vowed never to work in the industry again and now refuses to give interviews.

	THE STORY OF DANIEL DAY-LEWIS In this, the first truly comprehensive, extensive account of Daniel Day-Lewis’ extraordinary life and career author Spaghettihoo P. Sontoast strips away the many layers of rumour and hearsay to paint a luminously frank portrait of this remarkable male actor. “Spellbinding! Endlessly captivating!” Calderdale Valley Evening Newsgiver Chapter One 52 Potato Street, Dublin, 1872. An overworked Mrs. Sinèad Day-Lewis is busy chopping firewood, killing pigs and tending to her severely handicapped son Daniel while husband C.J. Day-Lewis, a struggling poet and advertising copywriter, paces the floor, his face a vision of despair. Times are hard. C.J.’s job is on the line and there is fierce competition among aspiring writers to deliver that killer slogan. Barbara Cartland’s “My Goodness My Guinness” landed her an unprecedented nine shilling publishing deal with Puffin Books and Salman Rushdie rose to such dizzying heights of fame after his sensational “Ah! Bisto” that he now lives as a total recluse. C.J. Looked down at his son, his heart heavy with sorrow. Just then Daniel picked up a small piece of chalk between the toes of his left foot and began to scrawl the word “MOTHER” on the stone floor. His parents rubbed their eyes in bewilderment and gazed open-mouthed upon the child. Finally his mother stepped forward and whispered, “You do that one more time, young man, and it’s straight to bed with no potatoes.” Daniel, clearly distressed, could only moan and drool so C.J. removed his belt and gave the boy a sound thrashing. This marked the beginning of a slippery slope into antisocial behaviour. In 1876 the family relocated to Belfast where Daniel was single-handedly responsible for a crime wave which swept the entire city. He was forever scaling drainpipes to lift lead off church roofs with his left foot. The police were powerless to control the boy, but the IRA took a firmer approach. “We gave him a simple choice,” explained Gerry Adams (who was not connected with this incident in any way) his words spoken by an actor. “Leave Belfast or die.” Daniel wasted no time in collecting his toothbrush, a locket containing a photogram of his dear mother, his colouring book and felt tips, his Wellington boots, bucket and spade, swimming trunks and crowbar and stowed away onboard a ferry to Swinging London. Chapter Two: London - Showbiz Capital of the South East For the young Daniel Day-Lewis London proved to be a whirlwind of strange, colourful experiences. He found himself surrounded by new opportunities and firmly resolved to use his left foot for good and not evil. On his first day in the city he enrolled at the Kensington Piano School where he met and befriended brat actress Anna Paquin, better known as the face of Wednesday Addams from the smash hit blockbuster movie Jane Eyre. The young couple became inseparable and decided to “squat down” together. Anna introduced her beau to the “London Scene” where growing your hair and wearing fairly loose-fitting clothes were regarded as quite normal. For the first time in his life Daniel felt truly at peace. Never before had he known that such happiness could be possible. Sadly though, this idyllic life was to be, as it were, short-lived. One morning in 1879 there came a knock on the door. The visitor was none other than green tights-wearing bodyguard to the stars Kevin Costner. He’d just finished building a cricket pitch in his back garden and was working on a new cowboys and Indians movie called Dances with Wolves. Anna Paquin, he said, was the only girl he knew who could play the part of Pocahontas. He made her an offer she couldn’t refuse and promised that on the shoot she wouldn’t have to look at his big hairy bottom. A moment later Anna and Kevin were gone. Daniel was devastated and enraged with bitter jealousy. What did Kevin Costner have that HE didn’t? That day Daniel Day-Lewis decided to make his own cowboys and Indians film; an epic adventure full of poetic romance for the girls and fights and car chases for the boys. He would call it The Last of the Mohicans. With no contacts in the film industry, no money or talent and with only rugged looks and long hair on his side he set about working on a script. Drawing inspiration from his difficult childhood and broken heart, a single piece of chalk gripped between his toes, he toiled for many months. It was a long, slow process and eventually close to starvation he was forced to seek paid employment. Cruising the Soho back streets he was approached by a director from Channel 4 who offered Daniel a part in a low budget gay porn flick with rising Bollywood star Art Malik. He was understandably dubious. “I had strong reservations,” he admitted in a rare interview. “The part demanded that I cut and bleach my hair.” After several moments wrestling with his conscience he agreed to the conditions and filming commenced. The result, My Beautiful Launderette, was an instant hit and is now considered by filmgoers and critics alike to be among the greatest Anglo-Asian laundry-based shirt-lifting films of all time. Chapter Three: Hollywood - Home of Some Stars My Beautiful Launderette provided Daniel Day-Lewis with much-needed notoriety, film-making know-how and a chance to get his underpants washed. Offers of work flooded in from Hollywood and in 1893 his own scintillating screenplay was snapped up by Universal Studios. Tragically, Universal boss Goldie Weisburger decided the story needed drastic alterations to make it palatable to the US market and commissioned a team of asexual librarians to remove all traces of tension and realism from the script. The film was a disastrous flop. Daniel Day-Lewis vowed never to work in the industry again and now refuses to give interviews. He is sorely missed. Art Malik once described Daniel Day-Lewis as “a truly and indeed very unique male actor” and “a magnificent kisser.” THE END