Cells and the Self An essay by J. Shanks (PDQ) The first issue that must be addressed here is a fundamental question that has puzzled the minds of the medical profession for literally billions of years: What is a cell? Look at any part of your body through a magnifying glass and what do you see? Yes. That's right. You see some CELLS.

If you look very closely, you may notice that each cell contains a long line of genetic information coiled into a double-helix. This is called DNA Unlikely as it may seem, there is enough room in the DNA of just one cell to hold the ENTIRE contents of this week's TV Quick.

So where did all this genetic information come from? Let's go back to the beginning of time and find out... Here is Professor Robert Winston walking with some cavemen. Lacking even rudimentary weapons, he is hunting a brontasaurus by boring it to death: How does Robert Winston explain the origins of human DNA? Let's ask him! "The chances against such a complex and sophisticated arrangement of genetic material falling into place through blind chance are utterly astronomical," he asserts.  "Therefore, the only feasible explanation is that we were made by the Lord God."

In fact, God's presence can be observed in every corner of the natural world.  Just take a look at this horse, for instance... Did you notice that the horse's legs are EXACTLY the right length to enable her hooves to touch the ground?  Obviously, the chances against such a remarkable physical characteristic coming about through "blind chance" or "coincidence" are beyond the realms of plausibility. So, next time an exponent of EVILution tries to brainwash you with his secular lies, remember the horse in the field and do not hesitate to challenge his godless ignorance. But what does all this have to do with the question of cell-renewal and personal identity? CELL FACT: Cells live for around twelve years before being replaced by a new cell, identical in every way to its predecessor.  (Dead cells are evacuated from the body in your poo.) So what happens when all the cells in your body have been renewed?

Before I answer that question, I would like to show you something very interesting... This is the axe used by President George Harrison to cut down his dad's cherry tree in 1352. The same axe was later used by William the Conquerer to defeat the French and by Henry VIII to hack his wives' heads off. It is a priceless historical artifact that is still used to this day by the Queen for chopping firewood in her back garden. In his recent book The Old Axe, Dr. David Starkey writes, "During its 650 years this axe has had 43 replacement handles and 271 new heads."

QUESTION 1: Is today's axe the same axe brandished by George Harrison six and a half centuries ago? A. Yes B. No (Please pick one answer only) If you picked A. Yes, you are a dribbling, incompetent fool who ought to pay more attention and buck your ideas up. Now try again QUESTION 2: What do human people have that an axe does not? A. Don't know B. Our souls (Please pick one answer only) If you chose B. Our souls then please allow me to extend my sincere congratulations. Well done! Have a gold star.

CONCLUSION Our unchanging souls plough a sturdy course through every transitory fibre of our being and survive beyond even the total disintegration of the physical self.  Therefore, we remain the same person from cradle to grave, which may come as a blessed relief to beardy, alcoholic dwarf Billy Joel, who has forged a lucrative and much undeserved career for the past 30 years by loving you just the way you are.